your illustrious thighs
are meant to give me pause
in the jungle I sweat for you
a pelican and a puffin bird
I saw a girl who hid behind her mother when she saw me
she darted back behind her all afraid
but later she was normal and I wondered how her medication
carried her from darting to displayed!
Can spiritual satisfaction be gained as the result of a connection with the natural world? For a moment it seemed Mother Nature might be enough; no matter what else, I could always dip into the comfort of her aesthetics, conveniently push aside every real-world anxiety to pursue the dreamy alternative. The sparkling snow, the crisp air of a pine forest, the rushing of a mountain stream oh god (these are the kinds of things I notice in the wilderness) — that wonderful feeling of true isolation, the truest company one can keep…apart from maybe God… In appreciating these things I conceive dimly of a superior person who does not appreciate these things; rather, he lives them, he embodies them without self-consciousness and without intellectual pretension. In other words, this person has no need to placate a simmering psyche with vague, frustrated descriptors or with field recordings of Ghana and Tokyo and Thailand (evocative as they are!). He no longer craves the artificial escape; by now he doesn’t even remember a time when he did. Meanwhile, my actual life becomes an endless crusade to the understanding of a mystical existence I can never fully experience.
The issue of my personal ambitions and dreams recurs every so often among my friends. It has become somewhat of a running joke-cum-truth that I have no ambition. Oftentimes I even submit to the idea that I have never had a dream for the future. My submission is not entirely a result of peer pressure though, I have evidence for a lack of ambition: when I was a child I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up (some people actually do know, or at the very least truly believe themselves) and now, nearing the completion of a university degree in computing science, I’m still struggling with what I want to do with my life. Furthermore, when I work on a project I find myself easily distracted, turning a 1500-word essay into a week-long affair for example. It never seems like too much of a stretch to admit to myself that I have little or no ambition. However, after some recent ‘soul searching’ I believe that I do have ambition, and that I am actively, if slowly, striving for an actual dream.